Hypothetically...

If I were in a romantic relationship with my university, this is how our most recent falling-out would go:

Me: Hey, long time no talk. Thanks for emailing me, I really missed you.

UVic: Yeah, I thought I'd email you, to be nice. You should be thankful I ran across your paperwork at all. I've just been really busy lately with, y'know, school and stuff.

Me: Oh yeah? I wish we talked more- I don't even know what you do during the day.

UVic: I have like, a lot of people I see, and I have to do a lot of stuff, like meetings and business and... Money-counting.

Me: Ah, I see. Well it's just that it was back in August that I gave you my request for a letter of permission to take a course through TRU and I only just got your permission today...

UVic: I've been busy! Fuck! Get off my goddamn back! You're lucky you even got a letter at all. Plus, it's not even my fault- you're the one whose class got canceled.

Me: No, no, you're right, an entire semester isn't long to wait for me to get it back from you and I chose to have my professor get sick and cancel.

UVic: Look, I didn't get back in touch with you to get yelled at. I don't need this bullshit. [Heads for the door]

Me: [Pleading] No! Come back! Why won't you love me? Why do you keep hurting me?

UVic: Ummm... Haha... [Nervously edges toward the door]

Me: [Begging, on knees] This is not a healthy relationship. How can we work on this?

UVic: Uh... I gotta go. [Quickly exits]

Me: [Collapses in tears of anguish and frustration]

UVic: [Pokes head back into room] Oh, you have to pay me now for my gracious service to you, otherwise I'm not giving you your degree. Kthxbye. [Exits even faster than before]

Me: [Googles "How to tie a noose"]




PS, It's no coincidence that while I was writing this, this song came into my head: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZcmuKsyvzg